saying inside thoughts on the outside

like scrolling through a woman’s iPhone notes at 2 a.m.

Here’s to another edition of writing the inside thoughts outside in an attempt to see myself more clearly and help someone else feel less alone.

Let’s get into it.

1. I am not a writer

God, this one feels like a big fat fucking exhale. Lemme explain. Every time I box myself in, I PANIC. That’s because we are multi-dimensional beings of light, and I refuse to be contained by one word anymore. The truth is, I’m not “a writer.” I’m a woman. And trying to claim the identity of a writer made me feel awful when that was my only identity. Because on days and weeks where I didn’t write, I felt “out of alignment” with who I really am. And also what does “who I really am” even fucking mean?! I didn’t claim to be a writer to force myself to only be a writer. And it feels really good knowing I can put down any identity and replace it with another whenever I want. Because I believe we don’t discover who we are. We choose it.

2. Extraordinary doesn't mean bigger

This one hit me like a Mack truck. For years, I’ve been trying to grasp something that was bigger, better. More extraordinary. Than anyone else. But I was sorely mistaken. Extraordinary lives in the minutiae. It’s the rainbow of light coming through the window in the afternoon sun. It’s the fact that I got to have an hour-long breakfast with my love on a Monday. It’s laying on the carpet with my dog truly thinking there is nowhere else I’d rather be. What if extraordinary lives in the mundane?

3. Wherever you go, there you are

I just traveled the world for five months with my fiancé. It was one of the most beautiful and challenging times in my life. Nothing changed when my environment did. If anything, the inside noise got louder. In fact, I felt worse being in beautiful places with dark thoughts, because I “should” be enjoying Paris instead of crying in my hotel room. It’s not to say don’t take the trip because I don't regret it for one second. But it is to say that if you think travel is going to fix your problems, it’s not. It will just make them more obvious.

4. People are really tired of “doing the work”

I host lots of different kinds of spaces for women to gather and share what’s on their hearts. And there’s a narrative that’s brewing. Quietly at first, and I imagine loudly soon. These women are tired. Tired of investing. Tired of thinking there was anything wrong with them. Tired of always needing to look within. They just want to frolic. Bake. Giggle with friends. Go back to the life that was always waiting for them before they thought something needed to be healed. In fact, all that work did was direct them back to the fact that everything is wonderful, and maybe it’s just time to start enjoying life again.

5. Love is complicated

My relationship is truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever created. I love my man with my heart and soul. And it literally requires everything from me. We have conflict. We feel tension. We struggle to connect intimately. We don’t always see eye to eye. And it’s never as easy as I want it to be. But I think that was the illusion I was sold. That when you find the right person, everything will feel different. But that's not life. And that's certainly not love. I think I'm just growing up and realizing that this is actually how you build a lifetime with someone.

6. Being sensitive can be really hard

I feel fucking everything. I remember one time being on a plane while we were in terrible turbulence and looking around at all the 60-something men around me sleeping. They were SLEEPING through turbulence! Meanwhile, I thought my heart was going to drop out of my asshole. But that’s how I often feel throughout life. Looking around going, "Is anyone else feeling this???!!!” I'm not perfect at feeling. I often front by being bitchy or hard. But that’s most definitely not my true self. My true self is a gooey fucking cookie who feels everything. And when I pretend that I don’t, I get sick. Literally. Because my body is so damn wise and shows me that I'm fooling no one. Whenever I have a breakthrough emotionally and my physical symptoms dissipate, I remind myself that I’m actually a witch living in a magical-ass Hogwarts (we all are). Aka me this week with my “sinus infection". Only to realize I needed to relieve the pressure in all these areas of my life. *POOF*. Symptoms gone. Abracadabra, bitch.

7. I’m struggling to know what is my true ambition vs. what is programmed

This one is fresh out of the oven. But I'm really trying to unpack what’s MINE and what’s the WORLD’S. The world is noisier than ever. Austin is full of loud-ass opinions. Social media is thick with “Do it this way or you're wrong!!” And I'm not gonna lie, sometimes that noise is confusing as hell. And sometimes I wonder if when I’ve been SO certain of something, it was actually just fear in disguise. Or discomfort with being in the unknown. Like when I said yes to being someone's partner way too early, it was because I couldn't sit with not knowing. And lately? I don't know what's mine when it comes to my dreams…and what's not. Like, do I really want to be a best-selling author? Maybe. Or is that just what I think the pinnacle of success is? Do I really want to have a brand with tens of thousands of followers? Or is that just a distraction from my family? I don't know. So I'm getting curious. And also getting to a real place of peace where it's okay to want anything but also need nothing. Then let God show me the way.

8. I know nothing (self-explanatory)

OKAY BYE.